X-Mas

Merry Christmas everyone.

I hope you all get a fresh pair of socks.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

In short, no,
In long, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Who makes a sequel to Hobgoblins? Twenty years after the fact too! Its like giving Final Fantasy VIII to Uwe Boll. It's unspeakable.



FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY EVEN USED THE SONG! It was satire! Not inspiration!

Sigh...

and today was the day I told myself I needed to stop watching bad movies for a while...

I just finished watching Dr. Zhivago for crying out loud. Things were going so swimmingly and this fell in my lap.

*sigh*
*weep*

Why do I love tainted filth?

Fallout

We join our heroes in a local Chinese food eatery in Mansfield, NJ...

Jim: I'm glad I "rented" Fallout 3 Jon, its pretty awesome.
Jon: Yup.
Nik pops the cap off a Stewart's Root Beer.
Nik: There you go Jon, *snicker* there's a buck!
Jim: My plastic Pepsi cap probably isn't worth as much.
Jon: Probably a penny, lol.
Emily: It's pre-war money.
All stand silent.
Jim: WIN.

And now for something remotely similar...

Dance Break



I love people with free time...

Hilarious

This deserves some attention...

Kawaii

I admit it, I want one...

Not because I want to "interact" with it, but because its one step closer to my computer talking to me personally.



Lol, Dinosaur Door.

Lawls

Went to a haunted hayride last night, one I used to work at as a kid. It was God awful. Some of the kids weren't even wearing masks and still trying to scare us. "BEHOLD the horror of PUBERTY" I yelled.

Anyway, funny...



Ass full of pipe wrench FTW.

Nostalgia

I recently created a facebook account, I was kinda forced into doing so. Now I'm addicted. Speaking of addiction... I reactivated my WoW account. Primarily because I wanted to hang out with the girl more often then I have been able, and secondarily, talking about D&D with Trav and the gang had made me miss the no hold's barred, making twelve year old's cry action of my MMORPG days. We play Horde on Steamwheedle Cartel.

Despite my constant griping about the game and what it does to people (Pawl experienced this first hand), it seems never the less to be unavoidable. I have friends from coast to coast that I enjoy talking with and "being" with. MMO's just make that possible, plus there's killing, which makes every relationship better. I unfortunately agree with Yahtzee that you cannot do better than this game and that every other MMO just wants to be like it.

All that aside, back to the Facebook thing...

Since my profile's inception I have been bombarded with names and faces that I haven't seen since, well, grade school really. It's very odd is all I'm saying that we have technology that can imbibe emotion and nostalgia, were one step closer to the Matrix people!

I had also decided to spend my sick day catching up on my Japanese and force feed myself comfort stimuli in this time of woe. I found that there was a continuation series of Tenchi Muyo! called Ryo-ohki. Granted this is one of my favorite series so I opted to watch it diligently. It has all the favorites: Ryoko, Ayeka, Mihoshi, etc. (no Kiyone Makibi though, damn it) but its off the wall crazy, and this is from a guy who can understand Evangelion without taking notes.

If your at all familiar with the series, you'll know that Tenchi Masaki is a high school boy that inadvertently has to become a hero when he is forced to live with a sexy space pirate, a sexy mad scientist, a sexy galactic police officer, a cat/rabbit that transforms into a spaceship/ adorable little girl, and two princesses of the most powerful empire in the universe (one of which is sexy). Now I know that sounds wierd and all, but it was still fairly easy to follow if you paid it some small amount of attention. The only thing that would really change is who the bad guy was and how they related to any one of the characters.

The continuation of the series, Ryo-ohki, starts off by introducing several more women to the house hold including a long lost sister (sexy), a fake fiance' for Tenchi (sexy), the princess' grandmother (who because of her immortality is also sexy), and a grandmother for Tenchi as she is married to his grandfather (again immortality= sexy). The worst thing is they all show up in the same episode! So...

In order to get a grasp on all these new changes, I visited Professor Wikipedia to get an idea of what was going on. Now it all makes sence, but somehow I ended up on the Super Sentai series which more than obviously links me with the Power Rangers. Last thing I know is I was reading the biography of Jason David Frank and reminicing about how awesome he is.

Thank you Wikipedia.

Trust

In case you don't know how this happened...

Awesome

Everything I do is *blank*...

Familiar...

I saw this video...



... and I got to thinking where I saw this before.

I mean it's not everyday that such blatantly good journalism drops in my lap.

Who would spend millions of dollars on renovations/additions on a dilapidated train depot on the outskirts of a rural centric urban center with great detail put on security, furnaces, transportation and secrecy?

I know its familiar to me... something to do with... man its going to drive me crazy.

Cricke(t)y

My home is infested with these things...
Apparently they are called Camel a.k.a Cave Crickets. I know the picture isn't that terrifying, just take in the fact that they are over three inches long (total) and can jump over a foot in the blink of an eye.

It took me over an hour to properly identify it as most extermination sites do not consider them a common pest. I should take a video camera into my basement...


No joke.

Conquest

I finally took the time yesterday to beat The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. I had reached the so called "chicken with people head" temple and decided that I wanted to take a break. Yesterday I finished up and destroyed Gannondorf/Ganon for the umpteenth million time. I decided to celebrate by going to see Hellboy II.

I was entertained, which is saying a lot when you consider how much I enjoy viewing today's "films". It was a bit more kiddy than the first one but I thought it was a welcome change to the super dark first Hellboy. They really let the actors be themselves and the film was better for it. It had some great jokes and I recomend it.

The newsletter will be started upon the return of sir Trav from his crusade in Brazil so send me things you want in it a.s.a.p.

Newsletter

To all members of Bad Luck Inc., Insano Project and The Albino Eyelash Composition (and everyone else who wants in, I guess)...

I am putting together a bi-weekly e-newsletter to keep us all posted on current and future events. This way, will be able to communicate and plan: meetings, dinners, lectures, shoots, conferences, days off, blackout days (aka Do Not Bother Trav Days), and trips.

Trav and I are planning on taking the lot of you to the shore, Centralia, Gettysburg, Knobles and whatever else we may think of between now and then. We plan on doing as many of these things as possible, so this is the best way to stay informed.

Please send me your email addresses and information you would like to have put into the newsletter.

albinoeyelash@gmail.com

Loss

I recently lost someone very close to me. I may not be posting things for a while.

Sayonara

Gotta take care of something...

Post more later.

Integra

Those of you who know me on a personal level know that I have a cat named Integra. She is named after this woman (not the car) because I am a huge fan of Hellsing.

So her full name is Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates van Hellsing (no joke). Some of you may find it strange that I like Hellsing when I hate vampires in general. I like it because vampires get whats coming to them, from THE vampire no less. Well if you are familiar with the story, The Hellsing organization exterminates vampires who terrorize those on British soil. If you are familiar with my cat, you would know that she has three legs. I named her Integra for her bitchiness, her resolve and her ability to control creatures much larger and more powerful than her to do her bidding.

Last night we witnessed her leap and tear an errant bat out of the air in the house. The irony was too much to bare and required posting.

Spirit

It will make you "drunk with the spirit."



And one for the girl while I'm at it.
Ok, and one for me as well, after all, its about an adorable little pig that slaughters the English.

Ok, fine, two for me. It's my blog and I'll do as I please.

Blog

In this day and age you have to watch your back constantly. I recommend to all you kids out there, keep a close eye on what you put online.

Today, I perused the nets to find any and all workings of mine and eliminate them if they were to hold me to some other time line of myself.

I found ...

Deviant art Site: I will keep it operational until I start another one.
Xanga: Circa 2005, Deleted, my voice in it was for friends only and it sounded as though I was a sketchy stoner. Though I still wonder if Phillis Diller watches herself on Scooby Movies.
LiveJournal: Hardly used, Deleted.
Myspace Blog: Cleaned out and deleted, it was a hive of misanthropy and wrath from my pre-graduation days. It was a time when a lot of friends left me alone at school due to my wanting to hang out with artsy upperclassmen.
Facebook: Deleted, Hated using it, all you can do is send pop-ups to one another, how lame.
Myspace: Cleaned it up, no longer looks dirty and angry. Kinda plain, but I can work on it later.

That should about do it. This blog is all I need anyway, until a better one arrives that is.

Scanner

The Eyelash has recently acquired a scanner...
I could have went with "Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snoochybootchies!" but I stand by my decision. Anything to get a Highlander reference in. I figured I would take three minutes or so to doodle how I feel. You can see the poor quality is brought on by the fact that I drew it on the back of the printer test sheet, used a half broken Ticonderoga and "cleaned" it up in Paint.

The "Bad Travis Bat" is in reference to comics I did when the angst ball was doing Superbadthings and did not update. I hit him with it until comics come out. What are little brothers for?

See you in hell beanies. I liked it better when there was one. He just had to find another one on the side of the road.

Electrolytes

...oh and I forgot to mention.

...ends up I am not allergic to anything.

Kind of adds up doesn't it?

Last time I came up, we were in the mall... walking *gasp*.
This time I came up, we were in town... walking *dun dun dunnnn*.

Need to get more electrolytes so I can be good at running, football, arson, weddings and ART!

Who knew?

Apocalyptica

I had become, and still am, extremely tired by this weekend’s affair; I think that air mattress is to blame. We sold some shirts, shot the shi* and showed all of Millersburg that there is nothing to fear from behind the ominous black curtains. And, Iron Man rocked us out of our seat, which is a definite plus.

So…I promised a few people I would write something about my little adventure into New York to see Apocaliptica. We passed countless bars and restaurants attracting Cinco de Mayo customers with drink specials and “authentic” Mexican dishes. We, my good friend Brice and I that is, took the PATH in from Jersey City, which is looking surprisingly clean lately.

So New York was… New York. In the first two minutes I saw three well-dressed bums, heard four different languages, heard someone giving directions to a foreigner, heard two lame (attention starved) street poets, a delivery biker wearing tin foil on his helmet and about sixty tons of garbage (not people, actual garbage).

We made our way through the city from 14^th Street and opted to have a few at a nearby local Irish pub due to our being early. Paul the bartender was quite happy to see us and made it difficult to leave. We then followed the winding entrance line around the corner to find Brice’s brother in law and his friend waiting patiently for us, and their tickets. We grabbed a quick “dirty water dog” to prevent starvation and made our way in without incident to make a second stop at the bar where the bartender gave me too much change. We waited while a DJ played some Freudian Winamp Visualizations on a movie screen and played some decent metal and hard rock. When the venue filled they lifted the curtains for us to see four extremely high backed chairs with giant skulls worked onto them. Each musician came on and started playing slowly before a climax of head banging rock unleashed itself upon the audience.

All in all it was a very good concert. I didn’t get a size 9 upside my head by some retarded crowd surfer. There weren’t too many pretentious teenagers and some drunken chick grabbed my ass. The band played on their Finnish roots and spoke with high squeaky voices that did not go along with their demeanor or appearance at all. Thus, they needed singers and opted to get Adam from Three Day’s Grace and “whatshisname” from Fuel to sing a few of their songs.

Three encores later, the general message of the evening was revealed to me by the often ridiculed “she-male” looking lead guitar…ahem…cellist when he dryly said “Shut up while we play some classical music.” and the crowd of drunken miscreants responded with “WOOO!”

I corrected myself back there because he plays the cello better than any guitarist, plucking or using the bow; it is the most intense thing I have ever seen. They often wanted us to get rowdy and jump around, but I believe that we were all just mesmerized by the fact that we were hearing awesome versions of Metallica on cellos. We just wanted to be witness to it and not interact with it.

We made our way out without problem. My bad luck strikes again as the usher ran out of free $20 itunes gift cards when the guy standing right in front of me got the last one. We all debated doing something after the show until we finally began looking for a restaurant. We found a cute hole in the wall called “Chat n Chew” where I got a delicious burger and pondered some things about “tallys”.

We took the PATH back to NJ and made our way home. I passed out in the car on the ride to and from our destination.

I have been getting yelled at for sleeping in ever since. Hopefully I can get some normal sleep tonight.

Liar

I'm not done...

I was kidding.

I am extremely tired after this weekend. No real reason, I just want to take a nap so very badly. I have Apocalyptica tickets tonight, so I will have to get my energy on soon.

More to come later.

Comparison

Well, I'm done. I keep looking at the wonderful things being posted across the way. Their succession, the liveliness and the simplicity in the realm of awesome is too much to bare. How am I to compete? If you were to give me the choice between a novel and a graphic novel, I (even as a writer) would snatch that comic book so fast it wouldn't look like I moved at all.

I feel silly trying to keep up with him. I feel like Ryan Stiles in those Fisherprice commercials. I'm a big goofy guy that tries to maintain the attention of his audience in a black and white environment and style (i.e. my writings). Ultimately they choose to ignore me and focus their attention on something visually appealing. I attempt to inform them of the ludicrousness of the world and actions that they must take to ensure a brighter future whilst they hammer away on a shiny piece of plastic.



I feel that like Ryan, I must give up my futile pursuits and follow suit in order to maintain an audience.

So...

OMFG!! LOL DiS rocKS! OMGWTFBBQ Chainsaws!!! LOLOLOL!

WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!

Yarr

Heh... you know me so I don't really have to say anything...

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2286743,00.asp

Dialogue

I pondered today, what dialogue makes for believable drama. Often I find it hard to write what would be easier explained using a video camera or illustration. Then it occurred to me that the essence of drama is getting your audience to focus on it. Sometimes it seems that you have to “tell” the audience that they should feel scared, upset, angry, etc…

Everyday in my college English classes I had to hear about it… “show don’t tell.” Well, I was often perplexed by the meaning of that phrase. I drew my own theory that writing needs to be a little of both. Words like angry, miserable and lustful were created to illustrate a character without going into long winded detail about his/her inner workings.

“Keep it short and sweet” was also something I had heard all too often. Hypocritical academia, “be long winded but keep it short!”

All that aside, I looked for similarity in writing, mainly through screenplays and movies themselves. I have found that there is one word that both shows and tells, is short yet often elongated. The word is “NO.”

It is the word that ends things, shows fear, warning, anger, and misery. It calls out to the audience.



It is sometimes funny too.

My high school biology teacher (who hated my guts) had tried to the best of her ability to describe why we laugh. She had said that we as animals have metaphorical “yes” and “no” buttons in our head. When we see something we like or want to happen, the “yes” button is pressed and gives us satisfaction, love, and euphoria. When we see something that we disagree with or despise, the “no” button is pressed to give us fear, doubt, hate, and pain. We laugh when both are pressed at the same time. For instance, we always laugh at things that are stupid and clumsy because we feel both sorry for the fact that they are hurt or inept and we feel good that someone is dumber than we are and that their pain isn’t ours. Best examples, slipping on a banana peel and a pie in the face.

Think about everything you have laughed at and you will understand what I mean.

Classification

Imaginary e-mail correspondent Suzie writes:
“Are you a nerd?”
-Suzie

Suzie:

Classification is an ugly business. It often tears out the truly inspirational and creative aspects of our lives and wills us to form a collective. However, classification is relatively easy now a days as society stretches to achieve black and white status and ultimately eliminate the gray area that they fear. Unfortunately for them, I feel the need to ponder their good and evil hold on reality with this…

I, an age 15-30 Male demographic, love electronic interactive simulations. I regularly read about technological advances and aspire to aid in the creation of them in the future. I am a near transparent pale, dress in plaid with work-boots and have obsessions with the works of George Lucas, books and animated entertainment. I eat junk foods and look to the internet for comfort, clarity and calamity.

Classification: Nerd, Spaz, Dork

However…

Being indoors for long amounts of time causes my muscles to become listless and painful, my head to become light and my attention to drift. Despite the amount of joy I receive from playing my games, I always feel that I could be doing something better and force myself -ineffectively- to multi-task.

I am excellent at all sports except for ice hockey and basketball (I guess that makes me good at Polo and Mud wrestling then). Sunlight inexplicably strengthens me. My farm land upbringing has shown me the Zen qualities of a hard day of physical labor. I am not afraid of girls. I know how to fight as well as argue. I drink beer. I am not afraid of crowds and enjoy partying.

Classification: Average Joe, Jock

Originality stems from combination and is not original in the least.

Cool + Nerd = Dork
Goth + Nerd = Emo
Goth + Cool = Raver
Band Nerd + Jock = Marching Band
Spaz + Cool = Cheerleader
Cheerleader + Jock = Parents
Cool + Band Nerd = Shirtless guitar wielding douche playing “Time of Your Life” in the middle of the quad surrounded by bikini clad chicks.

An example of my combination…

Setting: Second floor apartment towards the end of a 24 hour Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Halo 2 marithon…

Travis: It’s a really nice day.
Bob and Jim (lazily): Yeah.
Travis: We should go outside.
Bob and Jim (lazily): Yeah.

Five minutes later…

Setting: Second floor balcony towards the end of a 24 hour Timesplitters:Future Perfect and Halo 2 marithon…

Announcer: “GAME.”
Jim: Bob… you sniping bastard.
Travis: This is much better.
Bob and Jim (lazily): Yeah.
Freshman: Hey are you guys playing Halo? Can I come up and play?
Bob, Jim and Travis: Fawk off!
Bob: Sheetz run!

So to answer your question Suzie, I, in the past, have classified myself as: nerd, goth, metal, hardcore and dork. Now a days I would consider myself “Grunge” as it pertains to my music preferences, dress style, attitude and demeanor. However, classification is the last refuge of a confused adolescent trying to force their way into a clique in order to prolong painful realization in exchange for short term acceptance and meaning.

UPDATE:

(Updated, to the best of my ability, into proper English)

“If its for adolescent’s why are you taking the time to write this out if you are old you jerk?”
-Suzie

Because I look to pass down hard earned knowledge to those younger than I in an attempt to curtail their long journey of belonging and exploration of existence.

You doo doo head.

Online

So… I created an HTML web-page (the standard for the graphic program challenged writer) and it looks seven shades of terrible. It would be acceptable if I were to be uploading to some archaic modem age internet. Now I didn’t put graphics in because I don’t even have a site to upload to and as I had mentioned… “graphic program challenged.” I am not going to rip off someone else in order to fake being creative. That’s what links are for, creativity by association.

Time to get that Word Art generator working.

I am forced to learn the intricacies of Flash for not only my use in website building, but also for the awesome projects I am currently working on. I will hand draw every frame if I have to! I need a web presence that is dynamic and enviable. I want the Albino Eyelash Composition and We Are Bad Luck to spread like a malignant tumor across the internet.

Absurd

Everyday now, I read a little more about Japan, Nihongo ga scoche wakarimas (roll over for translation), but everyday I question why.

Ever since the economic bubble burst in the 80's, Japan has changed its image from one of extreme and shrewd business practices to the land of cutesy poo fairytales that American kids will eat up like it was going out of style.

Well, we are all aware of how awesome the Japanese are in the field of technology and entertainment, but I am pretty sure that they will be the creators of AI and destroy us all. Because they buy their parts cheap from third world countries, they break easily. However, if they create AI using these parts, not only will it become "self aware" faster, but it will already be programed with a taste for human blood.

How is it that Japan has turned from militaristic shoguns to Pokemon? Because their economy is so in the toilet, they push to excel at the mundane . Look at their toilets...

Thats not MUNDANE!

It seems kids are pushed to extremes by their parents in order to rise to the occasion during a talent competition or game show. Three quarters of the viral videos and youtube shorts I see are about a young Japanese kid playing video games, instruments, break dancing and all sort of mundane things with incredible accuracy, efficiency and skill.

Not only children, but adults in Japan seem to have too much free time as they have perfected the mirror.

Contract

It is official. I am now the IT representative at my parent's company, J.L. Coates Electric. I find it funny that someone like me who has relied only on the computer training of his computer science college roommate to this point is now given the authority over a whole company’s networking, support and purchasing. Right now I am going over what large format printer we need for blueprints. After that I have to set up a network and wireless network for a small business, something I haven’t really done before as this is going to require a server. Yikes. Any suggestions, feel free to throw them my way.

Nifty.

I know its for the folks, but I am doing a lot of good here for them. They (really my father) are so computer illiterate that I find myself always starting from the beginning. The hardest thing is convincing them that the internet isn’t just a place for pedophiles and hackers. They seem supremely paranoid about Homeland security, hackers, identity thieves and viruses. They told me my blog here was dark and scary and that I should be worried about it. I just laughed. They are like the Howard Hughes of computer use. However, when my son is trying to explain how brain implants and quantum computers work, I will have the same inability to understand without getting fearful or paranoid.

Things are getting better. Visited the old Fish and Booze for a few rounds with the buds. I was getting $3 black label all night and the beer was extra yummy. I missed the guys, I really did, its good to be hanging out with them again.

I’m writing again…stay tuned for some cool stuff, it’s on its way. The Albino Eyelash is now working with my good pseudo brother Travis and his Bad Luck Inc in creating some really cool things. Check it out and make sure you buy a tee shirt and buttons!

Some of this cool stuff is like this...

Absent

I missed out on my favorite holiday this year... doesn't mean I'm not going to celebrate it when I get the chance. Now Danny Boy isn't really Irish at all... it was written by an Englishman who never set foot on the Emerald Isle. Also, it doesn't represent St. Patrick's day at all as it is extremely depressing (which is why people sing it at funerals). I agree with some people when it comes to having a good time.

Muppets make everything better though...can't argue that.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Spawn

Suddenly, my opinion on children has changed, perhaps because I have seen the future of what they may be like.



Oby Kenoby...pokie ball... adorable.
No mention of Han Solo or Chewbacca, I guess Harrison Ford and an eight foot tall growling dog aren't that interesting to a little girl...

She'll be getting it right by fifth grade with my my influence.

Vindication

Grrr.. Hit a snag…

All’s well now on the eastern front. For the time being I have to type on this archaic analog typewriter of a laptop, it doesn’t even have Word on it, I am using notepad to do my preliminary writing. I like to get a good sense of what it is I am writing by putting copy on plain white background (paper) before I attempt to assimilate it onto a webpage. Most know I have the utmost respect for ancient technology, I just need to feel my own equipment underneath my fingers (get your minds out of the gutter).

I just want to say that I look forward to getting back to writing as soon as I get my computer back into commission. I haven’t lost any pertinent information, just its use. Now for the sake of the stories, I will be jumping back onto the saddle as soon as I get my life corrected at this new location. Doesn’t bother me much, I am easy; just need a roof, a cedar bed, a can of food and a fiber optic broadband internet connection. Woof.

There is something I want to get off my chest. I would like to not to rant (like I always do), so I will breath steadily as I dictate. I have found that my interests are primarily kitsch in nature, I enjoy music that sours milk, company that appears questionable and I refuse to believe art is definable in sociological sense. The mundane and idiotic are the most humorous to me and I believe that humanity - as a whole - needs a good kick in the ass when it comes to sociological issues, technology and environmental impact.

My writing matches my moods and personality. I can write a psychological horror story that will leave you questioning existence itself, a steamy romance story that will make your body ache, a loving story about a girl and her puppy that will leave your eyes puffy and damp. I do not want my writing to “define” me or categorize me. I write to express opinion, fiction and fact and to make sure no one confuses which is which.

My opinions are rant like because I subscribe to the John Gabriel’s Internet Anonymity Theory. I abide all unspoken and unwritten laws about internet conduct, however, I feel the need to be opinionated and humorous. My rants are primarily attempts at stylized humor through personal anger. It is beneficial for me to turn the wrongs of the world into punch lines and common situations based on logical happenstances.

My horror may be disgusting and liable to get me thrown into an institution, but they are just stories and dreams, not manifestos. They just come out of my id and I just turn and twist them in order to get the continuity correct. I see it as nothing more than making faces in the bathroom mirror after a shower or screaming and making obscene noises while sitting alone in the car. Its healthy people!

The internet: Free exchange of ideas, facts and opinions. I plan on using it for such.

Can’t wait to get back to writing…

April 1st, I rise from the ashes and take control of all that I have and will have. Catch you soon.

Fruition

After a few posts over at wearebadluck.blogspot.com, I thought I would throw my hat into the ring (cliche).

Hi. o_0

The Rif has posted a link to an article that many should read as it pertains to all of us who get cable installed in our one bed room/studio apartments strictly for internet purposes.

This blog will become useful in the next few months as the advancement of the combined efforts of the Albino Eyelash Composition and Bad Luck Inc. come to, you guessed it, fruition. And that's The Word.

Now, the writer's strike seems to be in the cool down phase. I truly hope that they all get a fair contract that warrant's their three months of striking. I want all writers to get their fair share of internet royalties, but I also want new Daily Show episodes and at least one good movie next summer.

It is nice to see horror movies finally taking a back seat to something else that has no substance. As most of you who enjoy my company would know, I despise current horror movies. They are non suspenseful loads of rotten tripe. Here is a checklist if you are considering going to see a horror movie.

Yes, by all means go...
Zombies
Werewolves
Seemingly intelligent victims (you have to gauge from the preview, it's hard I know)
Macabre themes
Subtitles
Original Phenomenon (White Noise, cool concept, just a mediocre movie)
Original monsters
Black and white
Based on a graphic novel/ book
Apocalypse

Maybe, Maybe not...
Diseases
Sword/Gun play
Cover ups
Kids (sometimes their creepy[Poltergeist], sometimes I want to beat them to death[The Ring])
Twists
Curses
Ghosts/ hauntings
Sequels
Gore

By all means NO!
Vampires
Remakes (props to Rob Zombie though, but that was technically a prequel)
Torture (It's not suspenseful, its just gross, learn the difference)
Teenagers (especially sexy ones)
Obligatory Nudity/Fornication (Boobs and stabbing, this is how serial killers think you have sex)
Idiotic dialogue
Horror movies within movies (Scream)
Aliens
Natural Disasters
If the announcer says from the director/writer/producer/caterer of...
Death (It's death! It's going to win eventually! Final Destination my butt, your all just idiots.)
Inefficient weapons used by a single killer (hook, chainsaw, suicide machine hooked up to the hit counter on a website)
PG-13 (i.e. Not scary and there will be tiny kids running in between the aisles)
It's the number one movie/horror movie/weekend opener (You lie! YOU LIEEEEE!)

The only reason horror movies are number one is because they are the reality show equivalent for movies. They require little to no script (X writers), unknown morons willing to sweat, cry, get nude, breath heavily and say "Hello? Is that you Billy, this isn't funny!"(X actors). Blood= Corn starch, red dye and sometimes molasses and the horror usually involves one house, the woods or heaven forbid a town (X budget).

Real horror is written and it is far to suspenseful to stick in a two hour feel good segment about two teenagers who escape the blood soaked murderer of their vacation spot by "killing" the "bad guy" with a poorly devised plot and escaping mere moments before the camera pans back to the lifeless body when his eyes open and the audience questions if there will be a sequel.

THERE WILL BE because more than one came to see this one!

BOOOO! (Not in the scary sense, but more in the "I just payed a grand total of twelve dollars to have my butt fall asleep and listen to that ethnicity challenged teen talk on his Helio about that skank he banged last night while I get to hear little girls giggle about how awesome the movie was while a half hour list of damned soul's names scroll towards the top of the screen and some emo band plays a whinny tune about surviving. BOOO!)

I like leaving theaters hearing, "I don't get it." and "Man, that movie sucked!"
It's how I know my money was well spent.

If you would like to hear more rants, send any and all requests to albinoeyelash@gmail.com under a subject of something like..."Do Paris Hilton" or "Do contemporary philosophies of a Utopian society"

Both would end with me telling you we need to kill Paris Hilton.

I'll be waiting and thank you for reading.